Broken hearted again.

It has been over a year since I have posted and really nothing has changed.  Andrew was released in March 2013 and since then has been arrested twice and currently sits in jail...again. 

I did get an opportunity to lay eyes on him for the first time in 5 years in July.  I was in San Diego for business and timing just worked out that he was in San Diego also.  I was shocked that he actually followed through and met up with me.  I was terrified and excited at the same time to see him.  Excited because I hadn't seen him in five years and terrified because I was afraid of how he would look.  I didn't want that to be the image that I held in my head.  Luckily he looked really good and we had a really good visit.  I thought, finally we have turned a corner.  We kept in touch after and the conversations were good and I felt like he may finally be free from his demons.

This past Friday, I hear from him that he is not well.  His asthma is bothering him.  He went to the dr and he had meds he needed to get, didn't know how he was going to pay for them. He didn't come right out and ask.  I offered to see if I could get him some money to pay for them.  He said no he would figure it out.  I offered still and proceeded to see how I could get the funds to him.  Long story short he ends up calling me a liar and getting all irritated with me because I want to call the pharmacy and see if I can pay for them over the phone.  Turns out he was trying to get twice the amount out of me for the meds.  He doesn't know I know he lied and I am fine with letting him continue to think I am stupid. 

So he ends up back in jail.  Gets popped for a warrant when he and his buddies get pulled over.  Needless to say his buddies continue on.  He has the nerve to call me and ask me to put money on his books when he gets to Sonoma County jail.  I laughed.  I asked about the details and where were his friends.  He of course gets defensive.  He ends up telling me he loves me and hanging up on me.

Based on this behavior I can only conclude that he is using again.  That is the only time he acts this way. 

In the process of all of this I have my mom making me feel bad for waning on trying to help him.  He is your son she says.  I say well at some point I have to quit enabling him, it is called tough love.  I didn't say it was easy, matter of fact I have cried many tears over it.  After all this goes down I tell her not to feel bad for her punk a** grandson. She says he promised me twice he wasn't going to do this anymore.  I said that is what an addict does. 

So now we are both broken hearted again.  I cannot even stand to see a picture of him at this point, it just makes me want to cry.

New day

It has been a while since I posted anything.  Nothing new to post really.  Andrew (Scott) is locked up in San Diego county jail for possession.  He is there until Mar 2013.  At least he will have been almost a year without drugs of any kind. 

Today I have decided is a new day.  At least for me.  I am letting go of the fear, worry and anger.  It is what it is.  If Andrew doesnt care then why should I.  I have made myself sick with fear, worry and anger.  I have two beautiful daughters that lived in the same house as Andrew and managed to turn out to be two awesome women/mothers.  I am proud to call them my daughters, my friends. 

I will not allow Andrew's addiction to make me feel like a bad parent anymore.  It is in his nature to blame everyone and everything else for his addiction.  I will not allow it to wash over me anymore.  I still love him and hope for the best for him.  Everyone on this earth has had something happen in their childhood that they would rather not have gone through.  We can either let it define us or let it make us stronger for it.  I chose stronger.  I wish Andrew could find his way to do the same.

God's Plan

It has been a while since I have updated. I wish I could say that there has been some change or something positive to report, but it is the status quo. That isnt entirely true, there is something positive, due to the fact that he is in county, he is clean from Heroin.

Still sitting in county jail. At least I get letters, usually asking me for money on his books or to send him some books. His letters, some have been rambling, so have been focused. I at least see a glimmer of the son I knew in his words every now and then.

I was telling someone about him today, also a parent of a child that is lost. My conversation brought me around to my thoughts of 'what is this all for?', why did God save him if this was how it was all to work out?? At any rate, I made a decision. I will not think that this was all for naught. I have to believe that God has a plan and a purpose for my son. For some reason, known only to God, my son has to go through this stretch of his life. I cannot and will not accept that he is completely lost to God or to his family. God has answered my prayers before. Once when my son was in critical care at the age of 4 when he had chicken pox that went into an infection and then a month later fluid building up on his brain from a severe sinus infection and they had to do surgery. Again, God answered my prayers when at age 8 he had a ruptured appendix and a careless surgeon almost missed it.

I have to believe that God will answer my prayers again and that my son will turn his life around and be productive and our family will get to see him again and he will get to know his nephew and nieces. I have to believe that he has to go through this experience to be prepared for God's plan and that it will be revealed in God's time, not mine. I have to believe, but God, could you make it soon?

Rock Bottom

What would your rock bottom look like or feel like? For me, I would say I have hit my rock bottom several times in my life. Once when I found out my husband was cheating on me and going through the divorce. The second time when I found out that the new man I had married was being abusive to my son and I had to force him out, another divorce. And then the subsequent forclosure of my home and respossession of my car and having to put my 12 year old lab down all in the same month....I was curled up on the floor in tears in my kitchen. These times of my life I would say were all rock bottom.

I picked myself up and moved on from each and now I have a wonderful husband ( I knew he was a keeper when he found me curled up on the floor crying and he told me "Sometimes bad things happen to good people"), a beautiful home and a new vehicle, but most of all I have some peace in my life.

I ask the question because I am thinking about my son, 21 years old, who sits in county jail once again because he lives the lifestyle of the street and drugs, by his choice. Friends and family tell me that he has to hit rock bottom before he will be ready for a change. Well for me this kid has hit rock bottom several times. I quess I need to ask him what is rock bottom for him. Maybe he has never thought about it, maybe he has no idea...or maybe his rock bottom would be ending up in prison or death. Neither of those would be easy to hear as a parent.

So what is your rock bottom? I would be interested to know what is rock bottom for other people/parents of a lost child.

Time to come home

Heard from Scott on Mothers day, which was so nice. However, I havent heard from him since. I brokedown and tried to call today and it went straight to voicemail, so not sure what that means. Just wish he would come home.

Missing

Well, I havent heard from Scott in over a month. He is MIA again. Along with him is a piece of my heart.

It donned on me that not only is he missing out on getting to know his nieces and nephew and spending time with the family but we are missing getting to see him as a young man. His nephew is missing having his uncle cheer him on at t-ball. His nieces are missing getting to know the uncle that would give them big bear hugs and piggy back rides. He is missing getting to see his sisters as mom's and wonderful grown women. His sisters are missing getting to see thier baby brother all grown up. He is missing spending time with his younger cousins that still remember him being around and ask about him. He is missing spending what might be the last time in his life with his grand-parents. He is missing spending time with his step-dad who would be taking him hunting and fishing and working on an old clunker just because they could. He is missing out on spending time with his mom. These are the every day things. Besides the holidays and special occassions, he is missing out on the every day moments that make life so worth while. The smile on little Mia's face and watching Lexi grab after an easter basket because she saw something yummy in it. Watching Noah as he opens an envelope from Grampa in Michigan with an Abraham Lincoln (five dollar bill) in it.

As much as we are missing Scott he is missing so much more and doesnt even realize it.

Here's hoping that he wakes up soon and comes home before he misses much more.

His 21st!

Well his 21st birthday came and went on February 22nd. I had told myself that if I didnt hear from him I would put out a new missing persons report. My gut pushed me to do it. I week later I got a phone call from him. Long story short the status hasnt changed. Still chooses to live the life of a vagabond and call no where home. Still messing around with drugs at this time, opiates. Great!!! I lost it. I told him my greatest fear. My greatest fear is that he will some how wind up in a morgue somewhere, no one knowing who he is or that he has family looking for him. Either from a drug overdose, bad drugs, someone beats or shoots him or he gets run down hitchhiking on the highway. I told him, " I dont mean to give you a guilt trip but this is what I live with every day." I have to say, it felt good to get that off my chest....even if it did fall on deaf ears.

We made plans too possibly catch up with one another when I am up that way for business in a few weeks. I tried to reach him today to confirm and no big surprise was not able to reach him. I will give it until tomorrow and then I make my plans without him.

It has been three years since I have seen my son. I hate to admit it but I am not sure I would recognize him if I saw him. I never dreamed this would be the relationship I would have with one of my children. Hopefully he makes it to 22.

Heard from the boy

Got a real quick call. Says he is in San Diego. Not sure I am buying the story. My mom sense is telling me something different.

I think that being the parent of an adult child is so much harder than being the parent of a child under 18!!! Several parents that I talk to agree. At what age does being a parent get easier???

I love my son and wish so much that he would just come home...we are coming up on 3 years since we last saw him and he is missing so much....nieces being born...family visiting....I feel like a piece of me is missing.

Holidays....bittersweet

It is that time of year again.

The holidays are hard. It is bittersweet. We have a new grandbaby, Lexi to celebrate with and another grandbaby, Mia due soon. I will also get to have my dad with me for the first Thanksgiving that I can ever remember. We have so much to be joyous about but it cannot hide that someone is still missing....literally.

We have not heard from Scott in going on two months. We dont know if he is safe or where he is.

A small part of me stupidly holds out hope that he will just show up and surprise me. The other part of me is not sure that I trust him enough to let him the door. This is the argument that I have with myself every day.

Happy holidays to everyone!

A new family member

Well my son missed another family milestone. His new niece, Lexi was born and he was not here to be part of it. I dont think he realizes what he is missing out on while he is out having his 'on the road' adventures. I pray one day he will come back to the family but I worry about how much he will have missed and will he still have a place in this family. Some will welcome him back in with reservation, some will not welcome him back at all and others will welcome him back with open hearts. I try to remind myself this was his decision and there is nothing that I can do to change it but it still breaks my heart that he is missing out on so much.

Another Mother's Day

I know Mother's Day was almost two weeks ago, but it has taken me that long to get past it. Yet another Mother's Day and I didnt get to visit with my son. I did get a belated call, which I have to admit was more than I expected.

I didnt break down on Mother's Day like I usually do. Thankfully to my daughters, Shelby, Holly and Mallory for keeping me busy. The breakdown came a week later for no other reason at all other than hearing Meranda Lambert's new song, "The House That Built Me". The chorus where she talks about losing her way and that she thought that if just came back home for a minute she might find some healing. I lost it and bawled like a baby. It hit me that I have not spent a Mother's Day with my son in fives years. This last one I did get a call, very breif call, but a call non the less. I know that I should be greatful for the call and I am. What I really want is to see my son on Mother's Day and give him a hug and look into his eyes, so that I can see for myself how he is really doing.

Maybe next Mothers Day :)

Always Reminded

I am always reminded of you, my son. No matter how much I try to put you out of my mind and not worry. There is always something. Something so small that makes me think of you. Ron can always see the look on my face.

A few weeks ago, it was a kid walking down the sidewalk at the movie theater with a baseball cap and another young man with a hoodie on. Yesterday is was a kid skateboarding at the neighborhood park with a black cap, black hoodie, black shorts, black socks and black shoes, LOL...the way you dressed at one point. Today it was a family member's teenage son being bored, the way you use to always say you were bored.

Not that you are ever far from my thoughts and my prayers. I light a candle every day for you and a dear friend that is battling not one but two types of leukemia. She has said and shared many a prayer for you over the past few years.

I hope that you come home soon enough to meet her and thank her.

I love you and miss you Magoo......it is time to come home!

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to my baby boy. Today he turns 20. I have been waiting by the phone and jumping every time it rings in hopes that he may call me as I dont have a number to call him.

So finally he called. He sounded good. Still some where in CA in Mendicino County. That is pretty much all I know. Traveling and exploring. He said "I am not a teenager anymore but I am not a man, give me a few years." I thought well at least he realizes that, he is taking a step in the right direction.

I sure miss him. When he was a boy I never dreamed that we would go two weeks without seeing each other let alone two years. I ache just to give him a hug and mess up his hair. Well until such time, I guess I save all these hugs up and stash them some place in my heart. I think I have a while to wait.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for Andrew, AKA Scott.

Update

Well 2010 is proving to be a challenging year for many of my family and friends with job loss and major illness and in spite of that we have a glimmer of good news in a new grandchild is due this summer.

As for my son Scott, we have not heard from him directly. He called Jan 5th from someone else's phone. I broke down a few days ago and called the number and left a detailed message. Luckily the young man was nice enough to call back and told me that Drew as his friends know him, headed south. A day or two later we received a call from a number I did not recognize, so I did not pick. The thought crossed my mind that it might be Scott and I thought, no he always calls my cell. A couple of hours later I checked messages and it only said it was a collect call from Scott. The area code was Dallas, TX. I cannot imagine what he would be doing in TX.

Needless to say I am waiting and jumping when the phone rings and if I have to leave the house I forward the phone to my cell phone in hopes that he will call again. I just hope and pray that he is alright and not in any kind of trouble.

2010 is not starting out as promising as I had hoped it would be.

First post of 2010

Well this is my first post of 2010 and hopefully my post this year will be few and bring good news.

So far we are not headed in that direction. I tried calling Scott after the holidays to make sure he received a package I sent him to the post office, unfortunately his phone is disconnected.

I continue to pray for protection and guidance for him and that God will bring him home this year.

Hope all of you had a wonderful holiday with your family and hope you enjoy a happy and healthy new year.

Update

It has been a while since I have updated my blog.

Since my last post I continue to hear from Scott, though it is sporadic. He does tend to answer when I call for him. He has a cell phone.

He talks about how he misses his family but he doesnt miss Arizona which is heart warming. I cannot blame him for not missing Arizona, Northern California sounds more inviting to me too. So he is still in Northern California and seems to be staying out of trouble.

He says he has a five year plan to get all of his legal woes taken care of, so that is a step in the right direction.

I continue to pray for protection for him and that he will see God's light around him and feel his strength each day and move forward with his plan. For now, I am happy to keep in touch with him and at least know that he is ok.

I have to admit that it would be the best Christmas present for him to surprise the family and show up for a visit, however, I am not getting my hopes up too high.

Please continue with your prayers and good thoughts. I thank you all that have held him up to God to ask for protection and guidance.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well we heard from Scott and even got a picture from him. He seems to be doing well, living on the beach and camping out. Carrying what he owns in a back pack. He is someone in Northtern California.

Hopefully we will hear back from him soon.

Prayer works! Keep it up!

Letting Go

Dont ask me why, but today is the day I am letting go.

I had a mini vacation last week and while sitting there fishing and enjoying the day I asked God to help me let go of my son. To help me to quit obsessing about where he is or what he is doing and to quit checking up on him.

So today is the day.

I put out a picture of him with the rest of the kids pictures and cried of course. I shredded all the legal documents and notes I had for him. After today I will no longer search the internet for him or check on myspace to see if he has logged in. I will continue to pray for him to find peace and to see God's light around him and to eventually follow that light to lead him down the path he is meant to be on.

Other than prayer, I am letting go.

I once told my husband that I thought things were supposed to get easier when your children got older but it doesnt. When they are 8 years old and heading into the path of a car, you can yank them back and repremand them. Once they are over 18 all you can do is go to the hospital with them after they got hit by the car. Do we ever get a second chance at parenting?

Well here is to letting go and letting God!

Peace and discouragement

Who would have ever thought that a quick business trip to San Diego could provide some peace as well as discouragement.

The peace came in a woman sitting next to me on the plane from Phoenix to San Diego. Long story short, I noticed the title of the book she was reading, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I chuckled and said, I think I need that book. We started talking, only to find out that her story was similiar to mine with my son. She let me read the preface of the book and I felt like someone had stolen moments of my own personal feelings and thoughts. Needless to say I will be tracking down a copy of this book.

The discouragement came when Scott didnt call to meet me. I guess deep down inside I knew that he wouldnt but my heart still had some shred of hope that he would. I had even packed a few things that I had come across in cleaning out some things to give to him.

So being in my peaceful discouragement in getting on the plane on the way back, my emotions were running rampid with me. I looked around and just about everyone waiting to get on this plane were a bunch of young Marines. All about my son's age. I found myself really missing my son. I so much just wanted to grab one of these kids and give them a hug and say thank you for being a Marine and serving our country. Then I found myself feeling jealous of their parents. I wanted to feel proud of my son like they could feel proud of their son. Although I do have to admit I would be so worried about my son if he were in the Marines right now. However, my pride would out weigh my worry. My son is God knows where doing God knows what, hurting God knows who and I cannot say that I am proud. I can however say that I am worried.

So to those parents and Marines, I say thank you and Semper Fi~

Just when I thought things were moving in the right direction

I recieved a call from my son last Monday, long story short he called to say that he was ok and doing well. I had sent him a note on myspace letting him know that I was going to be in CA and maybe we could get together for dinner or something. I was so excited to hear from him. He said he was looking forward to seeing me and that he was excited to hear that I was going to be in CA. We set a day to meet and that he would call me and tell me where to meet him but that I had to swear not to tell anyone that we were meeting so, I agreed.

Later that day I saw he had posted on myspace, basically about he and a buddy had gotten high. I started having second thoughts about meeting him. Told my husband that I was actually worried that he might try to rob me or something if I met him. I thought, God how could I be afraid to see my own child.

Well, the next thing I know my son deletes me from his myspace with no explanation, so now I have absolutely no way to check in on him or to know where he is or what he is up to. I suspect that was his plan all along.

I have decided that I have obsessed about my son enough. While I love him very much and I pray for him every day, I can no longer chase down every lead, I can no longer log into myspace every day, sometimes several times a day to see if he by chance has logged in.

I turn it all completely over to God's hands. I will accept that I will hear from him or see him whenever God decides that it is time.

Thank you again to everyone for your prayers for my son and your support.