Mixed Blessings

Well we got a couple of myspace messages from Scott, the last one being on May5, 2009.

I know I should be happy at hearing from him and that at least he is alive but I would really rather hear his voice on the phone. I feel selfish for feeling that way and at the same time very grateful that at least he is keeping in touch with me somewhat.

Thank you to all of you, including my little grandson for praying every night to bring his Uncle Scotty home.

God has answered our prayers for contact and protection for Scott. Please continue your prayers as I do, that God will soon bring him home. I know that things do not move based on my timeline but within the timeline that God has for my son and I just have to have faith that God has a plan for my son and that he is still a work in progress and he will be home with us when God feels that he is ready for his plan for him.

I am looking to this weekend and Mother's day with mixed blessings. This day I celebrate being a mother to two amazing women and I think about the son that is so lost to us and feel a piece of me missing.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone.

Update

I have been in touch with the Santa Barbara police this week. Thank you to Sgt Ganoa. He is working Scott's missing person report. We have talked several times this week so that he could get more information and get some idea of where to look for him. Apprently Scott told SBPD that he was headed to San Louis Obispo. We do not know anyone in that area, so I am not sure why he would be headed there.



We continue to pray for Scott to come home to AZ to his family. Thank you to those that continue to keep him in your prayers.

Almost...

3-30-09

Well we almost found Scott. We had placed a missing person report with Santa Cruz, CA. Something in my gut told me to call and make sure that the report was still in place. The report had been lifted just one week prior. He had been picked up and taken to a hospital for overdose of an illegal substance in Santa Barbara, some 250 plus miles south of Santa Cruz .

I contacted the hospital and found out that he had been treated and released the same day. So he is now in Santa Barbara some where. I was lucky enough that the police officer that I spoke to in Santa Barbara was a parent and knew where I was coming from and the same with the hospital admissions person. Thank you God, for giving me parents to talk to. They were both so understanding and compassionate. Complete strangers!! They will probably never know how much their little effort in compassion and kindness touched me. Through all of my phone calls, I had my daughter Shelby conferenced in. Her support has been invaluable to me!

I continue with my prayer that Scott comes home with his heart full of hope and optimisim to turn his life around. I pray every day that God will embrace him with his love and that my son will feel Gods love around him and see his light when he looks in the mirror.

Thank you to my friend Sharon, for listening, praying and always being my rock of optimism!

Do 1 Thing

Hello all,

No update on my son. We keep checking in with the Santa Cruz, CA police and with the local hospital to see if maybe he has come in for treatment.

In the mean time I want to share something with all of you that I came across in People magazine. They recently did an article on a non-profit organization, Do1Thing. This is an organization made up of award-winning photographers, journalists, editors, designers, and writers who have come to together for one mission: To use the power of storytelling to shine an “ongoing” light into the many dark places that affect our most vulnerable children and teens.

There focus is to draw attention to the number of homeless young people living on the streets across the country, 650,000 to be exact.

You have know idea how hard it is for me to know that my son is one of those 650,000 young people.

Please visit their website, the link is on my blog and listed above. Even if you just visit the website to become more informed and pass that information along to others can help but if you can donate to this organization or to those listed on their website that also helps.

I believe that I was led to this article for a reason.

Thank you for your continued support in our efforts to bring Scott home.

More 'Missing Moments'

After much deliberation and talking to my daughters we made the decision to report my son Scott missing. Well it took me two weeks to work up the nerve to go to the local police station only to be told that I had to go to Phoenix to report him missing. Well I didn't get the chance to do that, got called out of town and then finally back home, last night we got a call from Scott.

He is in Santa Cruz, CA. He says, he is withdrawing from heroin and needs help, feels like he is dying, hasn't slept, hasn't showered and needs help. I asked him several times what he was asking me to do....not really much of an answer except that he felt like he was dying. He also says that he has a girlfriend and is about to be a parent of twin girls and that the girlfriend kicked him out and told him not to come back until he had his act together. He knows all the right things to say to pull at my heart strings. With my husband sitting by my side we look at each other and we agreed, we are not fronting money for a hotel room, we are not wiring money. I instructed him to find the nearest hospital, clinic or police station. With that, he hung up on me.

From there my husband and I spent several hours on the phone with the Santa Cruz Police Department, thank you to Officer Ross and Butler!!!. We also called several hospitals and clinics to check to see if they had see him. I then sent numerous messages on MySpace to anyone on my son's friend list, hoping that someone would know his whereabouts and contact us. So far no response and so far nothing from the police. This morning we contacted the Santa Cruz police department back and made a formal missing persons report. My greatest fear is that he will overdose and die and no one will know that he has family looking for him.

My daughter Shelby, she is truly a God send. She not only tries to ease my worries but worries about her baby brother just as much as I do. She took the time to research all the hospitals and clinics in the area as well as the number for the coroner and then called, unfortunately no one would tell her anything because she wasn't a parent. She truly does care about anyone and everyone in her life.

So here we are........waiting for another phone call.........either from Scott, the police or the coroner. Shelby and I are on pins and needles. We are also worried about the supposed girlfriend and the two new family members we have yet to meet. We want her to know that we consider them a part of the family already.

I hate this waiting and not knowing....I asked God for us to hear from him and we did. Now it is time for God to bring him home to his family. I simply cannot accept any other outcome at this point.

Thank you to all of you who prayed that we would hear from him. Now we need your prayers to bring him home safely.

A Missing Moment

This is what I am begining to call the moments, and there are a lot of them, when I am missing my son. I so much just want to hear his laugh and I never thought I would say that I miss his sarcastic remarks but I do. I also miss his sense of humor. He immitates Robin Williams very well and could always make me laugh on the worst day. There was a time when I was so sick every weekend when I lost my hearing. I just would push to get through the work week so when it came to the weekend, I may have spent the whole weekend in bed. He would come and watchin movies with me, make me laugh and try to brighten my spirits through it all.

I didnt realize it at the time, he was stronger than I thought. I kept the extent of my illness from him, he was 12, I thought I was doing the right thing. In hindsight, I think that he needed me to need him for a little bit. I sometimes wonder if I had handled this differently if he would have chosen a different path.

So, I am having a Missing Moment....missing my son terribly. His birthday was last Sunday and I really thought that I may have heard from him. Since I have not, I have talked it over with his sisters and we all agreed that maybe it was time to file a missing person report. So Saturday, God give me strength to get through this process and give me strength should he be found to handle whatever the outcome.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Even though today you turn 19 you will always be my baby boy and I will always worry about you until the day that I hear from you and know that you are ok.

There is a group of ladies praying that we hear from you by today. I am also praying for that same thing. I also pray that you find peace.

This is your last year as a teenager, I hope this is a year of reflection and revelation for you. I hope that you take a long look at your direction and realize that it is not too late to re-direct your life. I pray that you realize that family is a blessing and not a curse and that we love you and only want the best for you and for you to be happy. So on that note, Happy Birthday baby boy!

We will always love you!

Good Friends

Last night I was talking to a good family friend that I have known since I was a teenager. This family friend has always helped remind me to have faith and to ask for God's help growing up and into my adulthood. We caught up with each other, I already knew that she was battling leukemia and some other personal life surprises. I was so happy that she called and to hear that she sounded so good. Her battle, though tough, is going well. As it happened, she was calling me from her hospital bed, as she was in for another round of chemo. The doctors are confident that she will go into remission with this round of chemo and one more.

As we were talking and catching up, the subject came around to my son. I am so amazed by my friend that I almost cant put it into words. Here she is in a hospital bed fighting for her life and she is concerned about getting ahold of a prayer chain she knows of to pray for my son. I just kept thinking how those prayers should be directed to her situation instead.

She said, "lets pray right now for Scott." So we prayed, and as we did so, I just could not stop thinking that we should be praying for her situation. My friend is just amazing! She has a heart and faith enough to put someone else's prayers before her own. I will cherish her friendship and her faith that she shares with me always.

So we prayed that in the coming days that Scott would call me and at least let me know that he is safe and well. I pray for him everyday to find the peace that he is looking for.

Thank you to my friend for sharing her faith with me and reminding me that God does listen.

When do you report an adult child as missing?

It has been six weeks since I have seen my son logged into 'MySpace'. Now, normally, most people that wouldnt be a big deal but he was on that darn page every day, several times a day. So this could mean a few things and of course my mind goes to the worst of them.

He could just not have access to a computer, but in the past he would at least find access every couple of days.

He could be incarcerated somewhere again.

Or the worst of the worst, something could have happended to him physically.

A few weeks ago, this overwhelming feeling that something is wrong, that he is either injured, sick or in some kind of danger just came over me...I guess mother's intuition. Since this time I have been toying with the idea of going to the police to enter a missing person's report. I just keep thinking that if something has happended to him and he has no identification on him how will anyone know who he is or that someone is looking for him.

I am not sure that the police would even take me seriously or that they wouldnt laugh me right out of their office, especially given his past history.

So when do you report an adult child as missing?

Seeing you

I see you everywhere I go

I see you in the light of day

I see you in the dark of night

I see you in my dreams

All I find are my memories

New Year....new prayer

It has been awhile since I have written. The following is a listing of my son's known activities: Now keep in mind he is the big 18 now.

1. arrested in AZ for attempting to steal a car and being in possession of burglary tools...spends about 30 days in county, begs me for his bond and blast my phone for days until It finally sunk in that I dont have the money. Havent heard from him since. So he gets released with a court date, and then doesnt show...that equals a warrant for his arrest.
   
2. Arrested in WA for a long list of things including breaking and entering, attempting to steal a car, possession of drugs and alchohol. Spends 47 days in jail and they release him in probation and fines to pay.
   
3. In his cross county trek he gets a speeding ticket in NV....didnt show up to court, so yet another warrant issued for failure to appear.
   
4. Arrested in OR for shoplifiting, here they dropped the charges because the value wasnt enough to bother with.
   
5. Then just this weekend the local police in AZ showed up to arrest him on his outstanding warrant.

To those parents dealing with a similiar situation, let me tell you, that you are not alone, you did not do anything that created this situation. Our children made choices. We gave them the knowledge of how to make good choices, they chose not to listen.

So, this being a new year, my new prayer, Please God bring my son back you us in one piece and having found peace.

When do you give up hope?

As a parent I thought the last thing that I would ever do was give up hope on one of my kids. When does a parent get to the point when you give up on one of your kids? My son has broken my heart more times than I can count. I always told him no matter what I would never give up on him, even after he repeatedly told me to. However, I think that I am to that point. It now breaks my heart that I feel this way.

My family and friends all tell me that I have done everything that I can and more than some parents may do. It still doesn't make me feel better, unfortunately.

So on I go, arguing with myself. My head says give up on it, move on and live life and enjoy my daughters and my grandchildren. My heart aches that my son is not there at family functions or that I cannot reach out and call him or that he reaches out and calls me. I wish that my heart and head would reconcile.

Broken Promises

How many times do you have to have a promise broken before you quit expecting a child to finally keep a promise?

Our family has endured broken promises to quit drugs, stay in school, not lie, not steal, be part of the family and to be responsible and not be selfish. All of these promises have eventually been broken and still I was stupid enough to hold out hope that maybe this time things would be different.

My son found himself stuck in Reno without a way home and without money to get home. So after much deliberation and research I bought him a bus ticket. All I expected in return was to be kept in the loop and to let me know when he got back home, basically keep in touch with me. Well the bus came in yesterday afternoon and I am still waiting on a call to let me know that he got home safe and sound. Now it isnt that I didnt try to call him to see if he made it back, I have sent several text messages and left several messages. My contact goes ignored.

Now, I keep thinking to myself this is it, I am not going to help anymore! On the flip side I feel like a bad parent if I dont help. So what makes us a bad parent? Does not helping our child constitute being a bad parent?

When do you begin to trust again?

As a parent of a child that has been lost to drugs, when do you begin to trust again? I finally heard from my son, via text, that he is working for a local fence company. I was elated to hear that he is being a responsible person. However, on the flip side, I am guarded, wondering if he is telling the truth.

Well guarded won out. I had my daughter call the fence company to verify employment. I was happy to hear that she was able to verify that he is in fact working there. I still feel guarded that he is living a responsible life. When do I get to trust my son again?

Another family get together

Well we all got together for my sisters birthday. I dont know why I am surprised the my son didnt make an appearance or call. His grama asked about him and if I had heard from him, of course I havent.

We know that he is some where, as we see him sign on to his 'My Space'. Apprently My Space and his friends are the only things that are important to him.

A while back my sister in law asked me if I still worry about him even though he is 18 or if I am kind of numb to it all. I replied that I was numb...well I wish that I was as numb as I would like to be. There isnt a day go by that I dont think about my son or say a prayer for him.

For all those parents and families out there who have gone through this type of loss, I ask you, at what point do you get to quit worrying and praying?

A Lost Son

About 5 years ago I lost my son who at the time was 13, to drugs. Now dont mistake me, he didnt die, however he has been lost to us just the same. He has pushed us away. Us being me his mother, his two older sisters, grandparents, an aunt, cousins and a nephew. We all care for him very much and he has chosen drugs and his 'homies' over his family.

We have helped him through several rehabs, in and out of detention until he turned 18 this year. Since that time he has been in a group home for about two months until a month ago when he went AWOL. Now none of us no where he is or if he is ok. When he left the group home he left all his belongings behind. So basically he left with a paycheck in his pocket.

Mothers day came and went and not so much as a phone call. Family get togethers which we have tried to include him via the only contact we have, an email...still nothing.

I only hope that he realizes how much his family loves him and that we are the REAL people that care about him before it is too late.

I pray several times a day that he sees the light and that he sees that the life his is living will only lead to lonliness, emptiness and a way of life that is not productive.

This blog is for other parents like me, who have lost a child to drugs.

God bless.