A Lost Son

God's Plan

2012-01-29T18:17:00.002-07:00

It has been a while since I have updated. I wish I could say that there has been some change or something positive to report, but it is the status quo. That isnt entirely true, there is something positive, due to the fact that he is in county, he is clean from Heroin.

Still sitting in county jail. At least I get letters, usually asking me for money on his books or to send him some books. His letters, some have been rambling, so have been focused. I at least see a glimmer of the son I knew in his words every now and then.

I was telling someone about him today, also a parent of a child that is lost. My conversation brought me around to my thoughts of 'what is this all for?', why did God save him if this was how it was all to work out?? At any rate, I made a decision. I will not think that this was all for naught. I have to believe that God has a plan and a purpose for my son. For some reason, known only to God, my son has to go through this stretch of his life. I cannot and will not accept that he is completely lost to God or to his family. God has answered my prayers before. Once when my son was in critical care at the age of 4 when he had chicken pox that went into an infection and then a month later fluid building up on his brain from a severe sinus infection and they had to do surgery. Again, God answered my prayers when at age 8 he had a ruptured appendix and a careless surgeon almost missed it.

I have to believe that God will answer my prayers again and that my son will turn his life around and be productive and our family will get to see him again and he will get to know his nephew and nieces. I have to believe that he has to go through this experience to be prepared for God's plan and that it will be revealed in God's time, not mine. I have to believe, but God, could you make it soon?

Rock Bottom

2011-10-23T12:00:00.002-07:00

What would your rock bottom look like or feel like? For me, I would say I have hit my rock bottom several times in my life. Once when I found out my husband was cheating on me and going through the divorce. The second time when I found out that the new man I had married was being abusive to my son and I had to force him out, another divorce. And then the subsequent forclosure of my home and respossession of my car and having to put my 12 year old lab down all in the same month....I was curled up on the floor in tears in my kitchen. These times of my life I would say were all rock bottom.

I picked myself up and moved on from each and now I have a wonderful husband ( I knew he was a keeper when he found me curled up on the floor crying and he told me "Sometimes bad things happen to good people"), a beautiful home and a new vehicle, but most of all I have some peace in my life.

I ask the question because I am thinking about my son, 21 years old, who sits in county jail once again because he lives the lifestyle of the street and drugs, by his choice. Friends and family tell me that he has to hit rock bottom before he will be ready for a change. Well for me this kid has hit rock bottom several times. I quess I need to ask him what is rock bottom for him. Maybe he has never thought about it, maybe he has no idea...or maybe his rock bottom would be ending up in prison or death. Neither of those would be easy to hear as a parent.

So what is your rock bottom? I would be interested to know what is rock bottom for other people/parents of a lost child.

Time to come home

2011-06-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

Heard from Scott on Mothers day, which was so nice. However, I havent heard from him since. I brokedown and tried to call today and it went straight to voicemail, so not sure what that means. Just wish he would come home.

Missing

2011-04-24T22:13:00.003-07:00

Well, I havent heard from Scott in over a month. He is MIA again. Along with him is a piece of my heart.

It donned on me that not only is he missing out on getting to know his nieces and nephew and spending time with the family but we are missing getting to see him as a young man. His nephew is missing having his uncle cheer him on at t-ball. His nieces are missing getting to know the uncle that would give them big bear hugs and piggy back rides. He is missing getting to see his sisters as mom's and wonderful grown women. His sisters are missing getting to see thier baby brother all grown up. He is missing spending time with his younger cousins that still remember him being around and ask about him. He is missing spending what might be the last time in his life with his grand-parents. He is missing spending time with his step-dad who would be taking him hunting and fishing and working on an old clunker just because they could. He is missing out on spending time with his mom. These are the every day things. Besides the holidays and special occassions, he is missing out on the every day moments that make life so worth while. The smile on little Mia's face and watching Lexi grab after an easter basket because she saw something yummy in it. Watching Noah as he opens an envelope from Grampa in Michigan with an Abraham Lincoln (five dollar bill) in it.

As much as we are missing Scott he is missing so much more and doesnt even realize it.

Here's hoping that he wakes up soon and comes home before he misses much more.

His 21st!

2011-03-07T18:01:00.003-07:00

Well his 21st birthday came and went on February 22nd. I had told myself that if I didnt hear from him I would put out a new missing persons report. My gut pushed me to do it. I week later I got a phone call from him. Long story short the status hasnt changed. Still chooses to live the life of a vagabond and call no where home. Still messing around with drugs at this time, opiates. Great!!! I lost it. I told him my greatest fear. My greatest fear is that he will some how wind up in a morgue somewhere, no one knowing who he is or that he has family looking for him. Either from a drug overdose, bad drugs, someone beats or shoots him or he gets run down hitchhiking on the highway. I told him, " I dont mean to give you a guilt trip but this is what I live with every day." I have to say, it felt good to get that off my chest....even if it did fall on deaf ears.

We made plans too possibly catch up with one another when I am up that way for business in a few weeks. I tried to reach him today to confirm and no big surprise was not able to reach him. I will give it until tomorrow and then I make my plans without him.

It has been three years since I have seen my son. I hate to admit it but I am not sure I would recognize him if I saw him. I never dreamed this would be the relationship I would have with one of my children. Hopefully he makes it to 22.

Heard from the boy

2010-12-01T14:13:00.002-07:00

Got a real quick call. Says he is in San Diego. Not sure I am buying the story. My mom sense is telling me something different.

I think that being the parent of an adult child is so much harder than being the parent of a child under 18!!! Several parents that I talk to agree. At what age does being a parent get easier???

I love my son and wish so much that he would just come home...we are coming up on 3 years since we last saw him and he is missing so much....nieces being born...family visiting....I feel like a piece of me is missing.

Holidays....bittersweet

2010-11-18T18:26:00.002-07:00

It is that time of year again.

The holidays are hard. It is bittersweet. We have a new grandbaby, Lexi to celebrate with and another grandbaby, Mia due soon. I will also get to have my dad with me for the first Thanksgiving that I can ever remember. We have so much to be joyous about but it cannot hide that someone is still missing....literally.

We have not heard from Scott in going on two months. We dont know if he is safe or where he is.

A small part of me stupidly holds out hope that he will just show up and surprise me. The other part of me is not sure that I trust him enough to let him the door. This is the argument that I have with myself every day.

Happy holidays to everyone!

A new family member

2010-07-24T15:45:00.002-07:00

Well my son missed another family milestone. His new niece, Lexi was born and he was not here to be part of it. I dont think he realizes what he is missing out on while he is out having his 'on the road' adventures. I pray one day he will come back to the family but I worry about how much he will have missed and will he still have a place in this family. Some will welcome him back in with reservation, some will not welcome him back at all and others will welcome him back with open hearts. I try to remind myself this was his decision and there is nothing that I can do to change it but it still breaks my heart that he is missing out on so much.

Another Mother's Day

2010-05-18T22:47:00.001-07:00

I know Mother's Day was almost two weeks ago, but it has taken me that long to get past it. Yet another Mother's Day and I didnt get to visit with my son. I did get a belated call, which I have to admit was more than I expected.

I didnt break down on Mother's Day like I usually do. Thankfully to my daughters, Shelby, Holly and Mallory for keeping me busy. The breakdown came a week later for no other reason at all other than hearing Meranda Lambert's new song, "The House That Built Me". The chorus where she talks about losing her way and that she thought that if just came back home for a minute she might find some healing. I lost it and bawled like a baby. It hit me that I have not spent a Mother's Day with my son in fives years. This last one I did get a call, very breif call, but a call non the less. I know that I should be greatful for the call and I am. What I really want is to see my son on Mother's Day and give him a hug and look into his eyes, so that I can see for myself how he is really doing.

Maybe next Mothers Day :)

Always Reminded

2010-02-28T18:04:00.000-07:00

I am always reminded of you, my son. No matter how much I try to put you out of my mind and not worry. There is always something. Something so small that makes me think of you. Ron can always see the look on my face.

A few weeks ago, it was a kid walking down the sidewalk at the movie theater with a baseball cap and another young man with a hoodie on. Yesterday is was a kid skateboarding at the neighborhood park with a black cap, black hoodie, black shorts, black socks and black shoes, LOL...the way you dressed at one point. Today it was a family member's teenage son being bored, the way you use to always say you were bored.

Not that you are ever far from my thoughts and my prayers. I light a candle every day for you and a dear friend that is battling not one but two types of leukemia. She has said and shared many a prayer for you over the past few years.

I hope that you come home soon enough to meet her and thank her.

I love you and miss you Magoo......it is time to come home!

Happy Birthday!

2010-02-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to my baby boy. Today he turns 20. I have been waiting by the phone and jumping every time it rings in hopes that he may call me as I dont have a number to call him.

So finally he called. He sounded good. Still some where in CA in Mendicino County. That is pretty much all I know. Traveling and exploring. He said "I am not a teenager anymore but I am not a man, give me a few years." I thought well at least he realizes that, he is taking a step in the right direction.

I sure miss him. When he was a boy I never dreamed that we would go two weeks without seeing each other let alone two years. I ache just to give him a hug and mess up his hair. Well until such time, I guess I save all these hugs up and stash them some place in my heart. I think I have a while to wait.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for Andrew, AKA Scott.

Update

2010-01-25T14:48:00.001-07:00

Well 2010 is proving to be a challenging year for many of my family and friends with job loss and major illness and in spite of that we have a glimmer of good news in a new grandchild is due this summer.

As for my son Scott, we have not heard from him directly. He called Jan 5th from someone else's phone. I broke down a few days ago and called the number and left a detailed message. Luckily the young man was nice enough to call back and told me that Drew as his friends know him, headed south. A day or two later we received a call from a number I did not recognize, so I did not pick. The thought crossed my mind that it might be Scott and I thought, no he always calls my cell. A couple of hours later I checked messages and it only said it was a collect call from Scott. The area code was Dallas, TX. I cannot imagine what he would be doing in TX.

Needless to say I am waiting and jumping when the phone rings and if I have to leave the house I forward the phone to my cell phone in hopes that he will call again. I just hope and pray that he is alright and not in any kind of trouble.

2010 is not starting out as promising as I had hoped it would be.

First post of 2010

2010-01-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

Well this is my first post of 2010 and hopefully my post this year will be few and bring good news.

So far we are not headed in that direction. I tried calling Scott after the holidays to make sure he received a package I sent him to the post office, unfortunately his phone is disconnected.

I continue to pray for protection and guidance for him and that God will bring him home this year.

Hope all of you had a wonderful holiday with your family and hope you enjoy a happy and healthy new year.

Update

2009-12-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have updated my blog.

Since my last post I continue to hear from Scott, though it is sporadic. He does tend to answer when I call for him. He has a cell phone.

He talks about how he misses his family but he doesnt miss Arizona which is heart warming. I cannot blame him for not missing Arizona, Northern California sounds more inviting to me too. So he is still in Northern California and seems to be staying out of trouble.

He says he has a five year plan to get all of his legal woes taken care of, so that is a step in the right direction.

I continue to pray for protection for him and that he will see God's light around him and feel his strength each day and move forward with his plan. For now, I am happy to keep in touch with him and at least know that he is ok.

I have to admit that it would be the best Christmas present for him to surprise the family and show up for a visit, however, I am not getting my hopes up too high.

Please continue with your prayers and good thoughts. I thank you all that have held him up to God to ask for protection and guidance.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

2009-07-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

Well we heard from Scott and even got a picture from him. He seems to be doing well, living on the beach and camping out. Carrying what he owns in a back pack. He is someone in Northtern California.

Hopefully we will hear back from him soon.

Prayer works! Keep it up!

Letting Go

2009-07-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

Dont ask me why, but today is the day I am letting go.

I had a mini vacation last week and while sitting there fishing and enjoying the day I asked God to help me let go of my son. To help me to quit obsessing about where he is or what he is doing and to quit checking up on him.

So today is the day.

I put out a picture of him with the rest of the kids pictures and cried of course. I shredded all the legal documents and notes I had for him. After today I will no longer search the internet for him or check on myspace to see if he has logged in. I will continue to pray for him to find peace and to see God's light around him and to eventually follow that light to lead him down the path he is meant to be on.

Other than prayer, I am letting go.

I once told my husband that I thought things were supposed to get easier when your children got older but it doesnt. When they are 8 years old and heading into the path of a car, you can yank them back and repremand them. Once they are over 18 all you can do is go to the hospital with them after they got hit by the car. Do we ever get a second chance at parenting?

Well here is to letting go and letting God!

Peace and discouragement

2009-07-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

Who would have ever thought that a quick business trip to San Diego could provide some peace as well as discouragement.

The peace came in a woman sitting next to me on the plane from Phoenix to San Diego. Long story short, I noticed the title of the book she was reading, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I chuckled and said, I think I need that book. We started talking, only to find out that her story was similiar to mine with my son. She let me read the preface of the book and I felt like someone had stolen moments of my own personal feelings and thoughts. Needless to say I will be tracking down a copy of this book.

The discouragement came when Scott didnt call to meet me. I guess deep down inside I knew that he wouldnt but my heart still had some shred of hope that he would. I had even packed a few things that I had come across in cleaning out some things to give to him.

So being in my peaceful discouragement in getting on the plane on the way back, my emotions were running rampid with me. I looked around and just about everyone waiting to get on this plane were a bunch of young Marines. All about my son's age. I found myself really missing my son. I so much just wanted to grab one of these kids and give them a hug and say thank you for being a Marine and serving our country. Then I found myself feeling jealous of their parents. I wanted to feel proud of my son like they could feel proud of their son. Although I do have to admit I would be so worried about my son if he were in the Marines right now. However, my pride would out weigh my worry. My son is God knows where doing God knows what, hurting God knows who and I cannot say that I am proud. I can however say that I am worried.

So to those parents and Marines, I say thank you and Semper Fi~

Just when I thought things were moving in the right direction

2009-06-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

I recieved a call from my son last Monday, long story short he called to say that he was ok and doing well. I had sent him a note on myspace letting him know that I was going to be in CA and maybe we could get together for dinner or something. I was so excited to hear from him. He said he was looking forward to seeing me and that he was excited to hear that I was going to be in CA. We set a day to meet and that he would call me and tell me where to meet him but that I had to swear not to tell anyone that we were meeting so, I agreed.

Later that day I saw he had posted on myspace, basically about he and a buddy had gotten high. I started having second thoughts about meeting him. Told my husband that I was actually worried that he might try to rob me or something if I met him. I thought, God how could I be afraid to see my own child.

Well, the next thing I know my son deletes me from his myspace with no explanation, so now I have absolutely no way to check in on him or to know where he is or what he is up to. I suspect that was his plan all along.

I have decided that I have obsessed about my son enough. While I love him very much and I pray for him every day, I can no longer chase down every lead, I can no longer log into myspace every day, sometimes several times a day to see if he by chance has logged in.

I turn it all completely over to God's hands. I will accept that I will hear from him or see him whenever God decides that it is time.

Thank you again to everyone for your prayers for my son and your support.

Mixed Blessings

2009-05-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well we got a couple of myspace messages from Scott, the last one being on May5, 2009.

I know I should be happy at hearing from him and that at least he is alive but I would really rather hear his voice on the phone. I feel selfish for feeling that way and at the same time very grateful that at least he is keeping in touch with me somewhat.

Thank you to all of you, including my little grandson for praying every night to bring his Uncle Scotty home.

God has answered our prayers for contact and protection for Scott. Please continue your prayers as I do, that God will soon bring him home. I know that things do not move based on my timeline but within the timeline that God has for my son and I just have to have faith that God has a plan for my son and that he is still a work in progress and he will be home with us when God feels that he is ready for his plan for him.

I am looking to this weekend and Mother's day with mixed blessings. This day I celebrate being a mother to two amazing women and I think about the son that is so lost to us and feel a piece of me missing.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone.

Update

2009-04-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

I have been in touch with the Santa Barbara police this week. Thank you to Sgt Ganoa. He is working Scott's missing person report. We have talked several times this week so that he could get more information and get some idea of where to look for him. Apprently Scott told SBPD that he was headed to San Louis Obispo. We do not know anyone in that area, so I am not sure why he would be headed there.

We continue to pray for Scott to come home to AZ to his family. Thank you to those that continue to keep him in your prayers.

Almost...

2009-04-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

3-30-09

Well we almost found Scott. We had placed a missing person report with Santa Cruz, CA. Something in my gut told me to call and make sure that the report was still in place. The report had been lifted just one week prior. He had been picked up and taken to a hospital for overdose of an illegal substance in Santa Barbara, some 250 plus miles south of Santa Cruz .

I contacted the hospital and found out that he had been treated and released the same day. So he is now in Santa Barbara some where. I was lucky enough that the police officer that I spoke to in Santa Barbara was a parent and knew where I was coming from and the same with the hospital admissions person. Thank you God, for giving me parents to talk to. They were both so understanding and compassionate. Complete strangers!! They will probably never know how much their little effort in compassion and kindness touched me. Through all of my phone calls, I had my daughter Shelby conferenced in. Her support has been invaluable to me!

I continue with my prayer that Scott comes home with his heart full of hope and optimisim to turn his life around. I pray every day that God will embrace him with his love and that my son will feel Gods love around him and see his light when he looks in the mirror.

Thank you to my friend Sharon, for listening, praying and always being my rock of optimism!

Do 1 Thing

2009-03-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

No update on my son. We keep checking in with the Santa Cruz, CA police and with the local hospital to see if maybe he has come in for treatment.

In the mean time I want to share something with all of you that I came across in People magazine. They recently did an article on a non-profit organization, Do1Thing. This is an organization made up of award-winning photographers, journalists, editors, designers, and writers who have come to together for one mission: To use the power of storytelling to shine an “ongoing” light into the many dark places that affect our most vulnerable children and teens.

There focus is to draw attention to the number of homeless young people living on the streets across the country, 650,000 to be exact.

You have know idea how hard it is for me to know that my son is one of those 650,000 young people.

Please visit their website, the link is on my blog and listed above. Even if you just visit the website to become more informed and pass that information along to others can help but if you can donate to this organization or to those listed on their website that also helps.

I believe that I was led to this article for a reason.

Thank you for your continued support in our efforts to bring Scott home.

More 'Missing Moments'

2009-03-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

After much deliberation and talking to my daughters we made the decision to report my son Scott missing. Well it took me two weeks to work up the nerve to go to the local police station only to be told that I had to go to Phoenix to report him missing. Well I didn't get the chance to do that, got called out of town and then finally back home, last night we got a call from Scott.

He is in Santa Cruz, CA. He says, he is withdrawing from heroin and needs help, feels like he is dying, hasn't slept, hasn't showered and needs help. I asked him several times what he was asking me to do....not really much of an answer except that he felt like he was dying. He also says that he has a girlfriend and is about to be a parent of twin girls and that the girlfriend kicked him out and told him not to come back until he had his act together. He knows all the right things to say to pull at my heart strings. With my husband sitting by my side we look at each other and we agreed, we are not fronting money for a hotel room, we are not wiring money. I instructed him to find the nearest hospital, clinic or police station. With that, he hung up on me.

From there my husband and I spent several hours on the phone with the Santa Cruz Police Department, thank you to Officer Ross and Butler!!!. We also called several hospitals and clinics to check to see if they had see him. I then sent numerous messages on MySpace to anyone on my son's friend list, hoping that someone would know his whereabouts and contact us. So far no response and so far nothing from the police. This morning we contacted the Santa Cruz police department back and made a formal missing persons report. My greatest fear is that he will overdose and die and no one will know that he has family looking for him.

My daughter Shelby, she is truly a God send. She not only tries to ease my worries but worries about her baby brother just as much as I do. She took the time to research all the hospitals and clinics in the area as well as the number for the coroner and then called, unfortunately no one would tell her anything because she wasn't a parent. She truly does care about anyone and everyone in her life.

So here we are........waiting for another phone call.........either from Scott, the police or the coroner. Shelby and I are on pins and needles. We are also worried about the supposed girlfriend and the two new family members we have yet to meet. We want her to know that we consider them a part of the family already.

I hate this waiting and not knowing....I asked God for us to hear from him and we did. Now it is time for God to bring him home to his family. I simply cannot accept any other outcome at this point.

Thank you to all of you who prayed that we would hear from him. Now we need your prayers to bring him home safely.

A Missing Moment

2009-03-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

This is what I am begining to call the moments, and there are a lot of them, when I am missing my son. I so much just want to hear his laugh and I never thought I would say that I miss his sarcastic remarks but I do. I also miss his sense of humor. He immitates Robin Williams very well and could always make me laugh on the worst day. There was a time when I was so sick every weekend when I lost my hearing. I just would push to get through the work week so when it came to the weekend, I may have spent the whole weekend in bed. He would come and watchin movies with me, make me laugh and try to brighten my spirits through it all.

I didnt realize it at the time, he was stronger than I thought. I kept the extent of my illness from him, he was 12, I thought I was doing the right thing. In hindsight, I think that he needed me to need him for a little bit. I sometimes wonder if I had handled this differently if he would have chosen a different path.

So, I am having a Missing Moment....missing my son terribly. His birthday was last Sunday and I really thought that I may have heard from him. Since I have not, I have talked it over with his sisters and we all agreed that maybe it was time to file a missing person report. So Saturday, God give me strength to get through this process and give me strength should he be found to handle whatever the outcome.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

2009-02-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

Even though today you turn 19 you will always be my baby boy and I will always worry about you until the day that I hear from you and know that you are ok.

There is a group of ladies praying that we hear from you by today. I am also praying for that same thing. I also pray that you find peace.

This is your last year as a teenager, I hope this is a year of reflection and revelation for you. I hope that you take a long look at your direction and realize that it is not too late to re-direct your life. I pray that you realize that family is a blessing and not a curse and that we love you and only want the best for you and for you to be happy. So on that note, Happy Birthday baby boy!

We will always love you!

Good Friends

2009-02-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I was talking to a good family friend that I have known since I was a teenager. This family friend has always helped remind me to have faith and to ask for God's help growing up and into my adulthood. We caught up with each other, I already knew that she was battling leukemia and some other personal life surprises. I was so happy that she called and to hear that she sounded so good. Her battle, though tough, is going well. As it happened, she was calling me from her hospital bed, as she was in for another round of chemo. The doctors are confident that she will go into remission with this round of chemo and one more.

As we were talking and catching up, the subject came around to my son. I am so amazed by my friend that I almost cant put it into words. Here she is in a hospital bed fighting for her life and she is concerned about getting ahold of a prayer chain she knows of to pray for my son. I just kept thinking how those prayers should be directed to her situation instead.

She said, "lets pray right now for Scott." So we prayed, and as we did so, I just could not stop thinking that we should be praying for her situation. My friend is just amazing! She has a heart and faith enough to put someone else's prayers before her own. I will cherish her friendship and her faith that she shares with me always.

So we prayed that in the coming days that Scott would call me and at least let me know that he is safe and well. I pray for him everyday to find the peace that he is looking for.

Thank you to my friend for sharing her faith with me and reminding me that God does listen.

When do you report an adult child as missing?

2009-02-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

It has been six weeks since I have seen my son logged into 'MySpace'. Now, normally, most people that wouldnt be a big deal but he was on that darn page every day, several times a day. So this could mean a few things and of course my mind goes to the worst of them.

He could just not have access to a computer, but in the past he would at least find access every couple of days.

He could be incarcerated somewhere again.

Or the worst of the worst, something could have happended to him physically.

A few weeks ago, this overwhelming feeling that something is wrong, that he is either injured, sick or in some kind of danger just came over me...I guess mother's intuition. Since this time I have been toying with the idea of going to the police to enter a missing person's report. I just keep thinking that if something has happended to him and he has no identification on him how will anyone know who he is or that someone is looking for him.

I am not sure that the police would even take me seriously or that they wouldnt laugh me right out of their office, especially given his past history.

So when do you report an adult child as missing?

Seeing you

2009-01-28T22:16:00.000-07:00

I see you everywhere I go

I see you in the light of day

I see you in the dark of night

I see you in my dreams

All I find are my memories

New Year....new prayer

2009-01-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I have written. The following is a listing of my son's known activities: Now keep in mind he is the big 18 now.

arrested in AZ for attempting to steal a car and being in possession of burglary tools...spends about 30 days in county, begs me for his bond and blast my phone for days until It finally sunk in that I dont have the money. Havent heard from him since. So he gets released with a court date, and then doesnt show...that equals a warrant for his arrest.
Arrested in WA for a long list of things including breaking and entering, attempting to steal a car, possession of drugs and alchohol. Spends 47 days in jail and they release him in probation and fines to pay.
In his cross county trek he gets a speeding ticket in NV....didnt show up to court, so yet another warrant issued for failure to appear.
Arrested in OR for shoplifiting, here they dropped the charges because the value wasnt enough to bother with.
Then just this weekend the local police in AZ showed up to arrest him on his outstanding warrant.

To those parents dealing with a similiar situation, let me tell you, that you are not alone, you did not do anything that created this situation. Our children made choices. We gave them the knowledge of how to make good choices, they chose not to listen.

So, this being a new year, my new prayer, Please God bring my son back you us in one piece and having found peace.

When do you give up hope?

2008-07-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

As a parent I thought the last thing that I would ever do was give up hope on one of my kids. When does a parent get to the point when you give up on one of your kids? My son has broken my heart more times than I can count. I always told him no matter what I would never give up on him, even after he repeatedly told me to. However, I think that I am to that point. It now breaks my heart that I feel this way.

My family and friends all tell me that I have done everything that I can and more than some parents may do. It still doesn't make me feel better, unfortunately.

So on I go, arguing with myself. My head says give up on it, move on and live life and enjoy my daughters and my grandchildren. My heart aches that my son is not there at family functions or that I cannot reach out and call him or that he reaches out and calls me. I wish that my heart and head would reconcile.

Broken Promises

2008-06-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

How many times do you have to have a promise broken before you quit expecting a child to finally keep a promise?

Our family has endured broken promises to quit drugs, stay in school, not lie, not steal, be part of the family and to be responsible and not be selfish. All of these promises have eventually been broken and still I was stupid enough to hold out hope that maybe this time things would be different.

My son found himself stuck in Reno without a way home and without money to get home. So after much deliberation and research I bought him a bus ticket. All I expected in return was to be kept in the loop and to let me know when he got back home, basically keep in touch with me. Well the bus came in yesterday afternoon and I am still waiting on a call to let me know that he got home safe and sound. Now it isnt that I didnt try to call him to see if he made it back, I have sent several text messages and left several messages. My contact goes ignored.

Now, I keep thinking to myself this is it, I am not going to help anymore! On the flip side I feel like a bad parent if I dont help. So what makes us a bad parent? Does not helping our child constitute being a bad parent?

When do you begin to trust again?

2008-06-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

As a parent of a child that has been lost to drugs, when do you begin to trust again? I finally heard from my son, via text, that he is working for a local fence company. I was elated to hear that he is being a responsible person. However, on the flip side, I am guarded, wondering if he is telling the truth.

Well guarded won out. I had my daughter call the fence company to verify employment. I was happy to hear that she was able to verify that he is in fact working there. I still feel guarded that he is living a responsible life. When do I get to trust my son again?

Another family get together

2008-06-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

Well we all got together for my sisters birthday. I dont know why I am surprised the my son didnt make an appearance or call. His grama asked about him and if I had heard from him, of course I havent.

We know that he is some where, as we see him sign on to his 'My Space'. Apprently My Space and his friends are the only things that are important to him.

A while back my sister in law asked me if I still worry about him even though he is 18 or if I am kind of numb to it all. I replied that I was numb...well I wish that I was as numb as I would like to be. There isnt a day go by that I dont think about my son or say a prayer for him.

For all those parents and families out there who have gone through this type of loss, I ask you, at what point do you get to quit worrying and praying?

A Lost Son

2008-05-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

About 5 years ago I lost my son who at the time was 13, to drugs. Now dont mistake me, he didnt die, however he has been lost to us just the same. He has pushed us away. Us being me his mother, his two older sisters, grandparents, an aunt, cousins and a nephew. We all care for him very much and he has chosen drugs and his 'homies' over his family.

We have helped him through several rehabs, in and out of detention until he turned 18 this year. Since that time he has been in a group home for about two months until a month ago when he went AWOL. Now none of us no where he is or if he is ok. When he left the group home he left all his belongings behind. So basically he left with a paycheck in his pocket.

Mothers day came and went and not so much as a phone call. Family get togethers which we have tried to include him via the only contact we have, an email...still nothing.

I only hope that he realizes how much his family loves him and that we are the REAL people that care about him before it is too late.

I pray several times a day that he sees the light and that he sees that the life his is living will only lead to lonliness, emptiness and a way of life that is not productive.

This blog is for other parents like me, who have lost a child to drugs.

God bless.